Contributoria

Article The World We Want In partnership with the UNDP

Is airitarianism the answer?

When I heard about this month’s theme—“the world we want”—I immediately thought of my good friend and colleague, Dr Robert Jones MD PHD DDS ODD. His groundbreaking research into atmospheric consumption won the Nobel Prizes for Medicine, Literature, and Peace (2013 ½)—a trifecta.

Always good for a provocative quote, I gave him a ring. Here’s how our conversation went:

“Hello?”

“Dr ODD?” [I confess I’ve never understood his family’s obsession with ALL CAPS. I mean, I don’t go around calling myself PORUP, you know?]

“The one and only.”

“Porup here. The UN needs you.”

“Of course they need me, my dear boy. What ever made you think otherwise?”

“No, they’ve put out a call for inspiration. ‘The world we want.’ Go get yourself an account at Contributoria and tell them about your groundbreaking work.”

“You know I don’t do computers, PORUP. I am far too busy helping humanity advance to a higher plane of human evolution. Why don’t you do it?”

“Me?”

“You know my work as well as anyone.”

“Well, I…”

“Tell you what. Let me dictate something over the phone right now, and you can write it, spiff it up, and put it out there. Yes?”

So that is what I’ve done. Transcript follows.

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The answer to the world’s pressing problems is not more blood, sweat, and tears (or milk, orange juice, and transmission fluid, for that matter), but less. “A designer knows he has achieved perfection,” declared Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, “ not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.”

The author of the Little Prince was wise. Not wise enough to learn how to eat air, or he’d still be with us today. [His death in a plane crash during World War II notwithstanding. —JP] But still. Wise.

So when the UN comes to me and asks me for advice—as they so often do, my three Nobel Prizes a beacon of hope in a largely Nobel-less world—I must repeat this basic, fundamental advice:

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The UN wants to know how we can create “The World We Want.” Well I think it should be obvious that what we want is a world in which food terrorists do not stalk the streets, consuming their addictive caloric substances (in public!), trafficking in human misery, and dooming the race to an early death. We must lift our species to the next stage of evolution, embrace the gospel of airitarianism, or we shall all surely perish.

The UN Special Ratatouille For World-Wanting has submitted a list of questions and begged me to answer them. It is so cute to see them beg. I deign to answer.

Food, Water and Energy: Who is inventing solutions and working on projects that will change our relationship to the world’s resources?

It should be clear at this point that airitarianism is the answer. By learning how to eat air, and ending our addiction to food, we save the planet from the scourge of the plough. Scraping, scraping, scraping, digging, digging, digging—how would you like it if someone did that to your skin? How do you think Mother Earth feels? Her “resources” are part of her beauty regimen. What’s more, on an air-only diet we can leave her skin to heal.

And imagine the energy saved! Think of all the energy we spend cultivating and distributing addictive caloric substances (“food” in ghetto street lingo). We still need to drink water, of course, but even then we may one day evolve to no longer need even water—beings of pure spirit, eternal, incorporeal, one with the universe.

Health, Education and Employment: What institutional issues are preventing us from becoming a stronger society?

Let me ask you a question. How can I be thin if you are fat? Your fatness is contagious. It’s a disease. It needs to be quarantined, so that the rest of us can concentrate on eating air. That’s why these fatties—or food terrorists, I should call them—need to be rounded up and put in Fat Camps. Surrounded with barbed wire and protected by machine guns, Fat Camps will re-educate these food terrorists to eat only air, so that their gluttony will never again threaten the world we want.

Inequalities and Population: Where is the greatest opportunity for future generations appearing and why isn’t more spreading everywhere?

I think it should be clear by now that advancing the entire human race to the next stage of evolution is the greatest opportunity in the history of humanity!

The problem, as I said earlier, is food terrorism, and nations—like France—that support food terrorists with their dastardly “cooking schools.” Food terrorist training camps, more like it. We, The United States of Air, must give France a nuclear ultimatum to outlaw the production, distribution, and consumption of addictive caloric substances immediately, or else we’ll turn their country into a glass parking lot.

The poor people of France, indeed, of the entire world, cry out for freedom. But they remain enslaved to their appetites. We must help them. We must free them. Whether they want to be free or not. This is our great burden. But we, The United States of Air, are strong. We must shoulder that burden. For the sake of the human race.

Governance and Conflict: What policies are being implemented that break down the barriers that separate us and increase our understanding of each other?

We cannot truly understand each other until we are all eating the same diet—air for breakfast, air for lunch, air for dinner, and air for midnight snack. Until then we will be divided by questions of race, of language, of preferred skincare lotion. Only when food has been banished from this Earth, and we are pure spirit creatures, flitting about the landscape, communicating without opening our mouths (because, indeed, we no longer have mouths), can we truly communicate directly and understand each other.

The human race stands at a crossroads. Between faith in my Nobel-Prize winning research and the long road to doom. Why must generation after generation continue to suffer? Break the chains that bind you to your dinner plate. Eat air. Drink water. That is all you need.

Go the Power of Air!

About Dr Robert Jones MD PHD DDS ODD:

An acclaimed pioneer in the field of Airitarianism, Dr. Robert Jones MD PhD DDS ODD has dedicated his life to freeing food-eaters from slavery to addictive caloric substances. That’s why he wrote Food-Free at Last—to expose the truth the agro-business special interests don’t want you to know. And that’s why he’s running for President in 2014. It’s time to put this country on a diet—the air-only diet, the only diet proven to work. It’s time to cure our great nation of the Obesity Epidemic sweeping from coast to coast. It’s time to end the oligarchy’s influence on our political process and bring true freedom back to America. Go the Power of Air!

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