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Article Insects, us & the future

Some ideas for the makers of Soylent

In a 2013 blog post titled “How I Stopped Eating Food,” founder Rob Rhinehart calls out conventional food — meat, produce, everything in a grocery store — as the “fossil fuel of human energy.” Rhinehart enjoyed the occasional meal with friends but mostly found eating to be a wasteful expenditure of time and money. Intent on doing better, he began an experiment consuming only the chemical components your body needs to survive. Carbohydrates instead of bread, amino acids instead of milk, and so on…. he named it “Soylent.” Business Insider.

There’s been so much press about Soylent. The New Yorker ran a 6,000-word piece, “The End of Food,” in May. Writers from The Verge, Vice, Wired, and more, have lived exclusively or almost-exclusively off the brown slurry for a week or a month and reported the results. All the nutrition your body needs without the hassle of… eating. But why stop at food? Why not try to replace all of the things you spend your time — no, waste your time — doing with utilitarian substitutions. We all need more time to work. And eating, sleeping, exercising, interacting with others, playing, talking, thinking — well, that’s all just getting in the way. If we can life-hack our diet, we can life-hack almost anything. That’s why I’m offering a few tongue-in-cheek ideas to the people behind Soylent, for their next big idea, after everyone on the planet is already getting full on gallons upon gallons of chalky liquid nutrition. Presenting…

Soylent Stretch

Everyone says exercise is important — “the human body definitely needs to be moving,” says Gretchen Reynolds of The New York Times — but going to the gym takes so much time. Especially if you have to look for a parking spot! Soylent Stretch puts all the benefits of exercise into one fruit-ish-flavored juice drink that causes you to move your arms and legs uncontrollably while you sleep. That’s right— the unique combination of toxins in this simple formula will create a reaction that causes calorie-burning, heart-healthy movement (assuming, that is, that your heart remains unaffected by the toxins) that satisfies your daily exercise needs with no time burden whatsoever — except for the forty-five minutes it will take to choke down the 128 ounces of liquid in one day’s dose of Soylent Stretch. Then again, you may not even have time for this to work, once you’ve tried…

Soylent Snooze

Who needs sleep? Everyone! But who has time to bother with it? Especially if it involves changing into pyjamas, brushing your teeth, and setting an alarm clock? Wouldn’t you rather swallow fourteen walnut-sized pills each morning and never need to sleep again? Soylent Snooze releases tiny micro-organisms into your blood stream to reset each and every one of your body’s cells to make them believe you’ve had a full night’s sleep — even when you haven’t rested a wink! That gives you as much as ten extra hours of time to work (or three, if you’re like most desperate entrepreneurs!) each and every day. Wouldn’t you rather your time in bed be by choice, to do whatever it is you like to do there. Of course, some of your bedroom activities don’t even need to happen, thanks to…

Soylent Sex

Those pesky orgasms, always taking so long to achieve. And, for half of you, so messy! Who needs it? Especially not when there’s venture capital out there to capture, and businesses just waiting for your powerful disruption! One easy and simple injection into the fleshy part of your arm… and you can explode with instant pleasure, quick and easy, done by the time you count to two. Fully satisfied, completely fulfilled, and ready to stop wasting time with intercourse — and the nonsense that leads up to it (dating? foreplay? pills and condoms? Maybe the unemployed have time for all of that, but not you). I’d say it leaves you time to catch up on your DVR, but why bother with television at all, when you have access to…

Soylent Spoiler

No time to catch up on all of your favorite TV shows? Not even enough time to know what’s on TV, or where you left the remote control? And certainly no time to sit on the couch, right? Millions of potentially productive hours are wasted as people wait to see who the latest Bachelor will choose, or what happened to all of those Thrones playing some kind of Game. One suppository per week — with a safe and comfortable applicator tool — and you’ll know everything that happened to all of your favorite characters. How does it work? Who knows — but all of that information will travel directly into your digestive system, and into your brain. Who won American Idol? You did, because now you can be everyone’s idol, since you’re making a fortune with all of the additional time in your week. Everyone you spend time with would be jealous, except once you discover…

Soylent Social

Spending time with people is a drag. They go on and on, talking about themselves, the food they’re still eating, the exercise they’re still doing, the sleep they’re still getting… no one has hacked life as successfully as you, which is why you may as well just spend your time alone. Soylent Social could be a pill to fulfill all of your social interaction needs, or it could be a drink that magically turns you into an introvert. Instead, it’s just a patch you place anywhere on your body, which smells so awful that everyone stays away. Giving you time to reflect, alone, pondering the mysteries of life, and your relationship with God. Which is so much better than ever before, because of…

Soylent Spirit

Soylent Spirit is a special wafer that brings you closer to your creator. That is all we can say about that.

From food to sleep to your relationship with the Almighty, life doesn’t have to take so much time and effort, and, I’m telling you, variety, new experiences, friendship, and connection — they’re all so darn overrated. Just drink some tasteless sludge, swallow a few capsules, and stick some magic into a bunch of the holes in your body and you can optimize your existence, gain a competitive advantage, and win at the game of life. Or, if you don’t win, there’s always Soylent Suicide. Check us out on Kickstarter!

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